Co-Parenting: Three Simple Tips to Successfully Plan for Your children ‘Holidays Now and for The Future
The holidays are coming, let the planning begin. It’s time to order those holiday gifts; plan the meals; figure out who will host the celebration this year; have the family photo taken for the holiday cards; what holiday decorations will be used this year . . . and so the planning goes.
Unfortunately, too many parents who are co-parenting due to a separation or divorce fail to communicate their plans to the other parent long enough before the holidays season which usually results in conflicts, fights, hurt feelings and may ruin the children’ holidays during what is supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”.
When parents have children and are co-parenting it is simply indispensable for them to have a detailed plan agreed to for the holidays. To help you achieve this goal, you will find below three easy-to-implement tips that all co-parenting parents should include in their holiday plan for their kids.
1). Replace The Shaming by The Sharing
It is stating the obvious that it is of the utmost importance to have a carefully worked out plan for where the children will be for each holiday. Which parent will the children spend the holiday with? Will these dates stay the same each year or will they alternate between the parents – one year with one parent and the next year with the other parent.
When we deal with co-parenting planning issues especially during the holidays, one of the most common scenarios we deal with at Mediation Path Silicon Valley (MPSV), is as follows: one parent or both are procrastinators. Whether because it is the person's natural inclination or most likely because one does not want to get involved in a discussion where there is ground for disagreement. As a result, no plans are made until the last minute and each parent is accusing the other one to make no effort to understand that their time is not flexible, there are only 24 hours in a day to share the kids, that the grand-parents also have the right to see the kids and so on.
At this point, we like to recenter the debate by asking two simple questions:
Are these holidays about making you happy? (. i.e., get everything you want under your terms) or making your kids happy?
Do you think that if you had started talking about the holidays planning months ago you would be in this situation today?
No need to elaborate on what the answers to these two questions are! Simply give it a try and bear in mind that if you have 6 months to solve an issue it is easier to find a solution than if you have 6 weeks, 6 days, or 6 hours. Procrastination and denial of any issue rarely lead to a peaceful resolution. If it was the case, we would probably be out of business.
2). The Gifts
In the same vein, it is always a good idea to check in with the other parent about what they are thinking about giving the child to avoid the child receiving two of the exact same items, unless, because the parents each maintain a separate residence, they agree to each gift the child the same present such as the bicycle that the child has wanted –so he/she can get one for each house.
Also, one parent may not be as in touch with the needs or wants of a child and the other parent can provide suggestions for age-appropriate gifts for the child.
Lastly, never lose sight, that no parent wants to be upstaged by the other. Therefore, sometimes if a gift is an expensive one, the parents would be better off agreeing that they will both contribute towards the purchase. To put it simply, the content or the value of a gift is not what will make your child happy. Therefore, there is no need for the parents to compete on this ground. Santa would not do it why would you?
3). Opening The Gifts
Another important matter to agree on for co-parenting parents is when will the children open their holiday gifts and where? Both parents can agree to come together with the children on Christmas morning for 2 hours so that everyone can be together for this occurrence, or they can decide that the children will open their gifts separately with each parent. Again, whatever solution you are opting for, knowing in advance how this is going to happen will reduce friction and hurt feelings. Most importantly, we believe it is fair to say that children should only be focused on the joy of opening their gifts instead of being preoccupied with their parents’ disagreement about when and where will the gifts will be given to them.
To conclude, when you are planning for the holidays developing a plan with your co-parent should be a top priority long before the holiday season as children deserve to have a happy holiday, and the more planning that goes into holiday celebration the easier and happier the holidays will be for everyone.
If you are/ were not able to reach this goal amicably, let the mediators at MPSV help you and your co-parent create the ideal holiday for both of you and your children. We at MPSV, have helped many co-parenting parents work out the details of their children’s holiday for this year and learn how to avoid problems for the years to come. As mediators, we assist these parents to communicate their desires clearly, to overcome any tension that may arise, and help them put systems in place to be better prepared for the future.
Let’s all look forward to a happy and peaceful holiday.