How to Mediate Ghosting Situations?

Donna and Steve had been married for 15 years. This was a second marriage for each of them. They each had children from prior marriages but no children together. One day after work, Donna came home to find a large manilla envelope on the kitchen counter. In it were Steve’s keys to the house, the storage unit, and her car. Donna was bewildered by this until she went into their bedroom and realized that Steve’s clothes were also gone.

Frantically, Donna tried calling Steve to find out what was going on. Where was he? Was he coming back? Why had he left? Steve didn’t answer his phone and didn’t return Donna’s many messages.

Donna had been ghosted.

For the record, “ghosting” is a term used to describe the ending of a personal relationship with someone suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communications.

When dealing with “ghosting” cases the first thing we do at Mediation Path Silicon is to try to determine why and in what context the ghosting occurred. Only then, will we reach out to the “ghoster” to offer our help.

You will find below a recap of the most common causes of ghosting we encountered as well as an actual example showing how mediation can help the parties involved in a ghosting case get past it. Lastly, we will share with you a few essential steps you might want to consider when you will realize that you might have been ghosted by a loved one.

1). Why does someone ghost someone?

Based on our mediation practice, the most common reasons for ghosting someone are as follows:

1-1). Fear of conflict: Some people may avoid confrontation and choose to ghost instead of having an honest conversation about their feelings or the state of the relationship;

1-2). Lack of interest: Sometimes, people may lose interest in a relationship and choose to ghost as a way to end things without having to explain their change of heart;

1-3). Avoiding accountability: Ghosting can be a way for someone to avoid facing the consequences of their actions or taking responsibility for the end of the relationship;

1-4). Personal issues: Sometimes, a person’s own life circumstances, such as stress, trauma, or personal problems, can make it difficult for them to maintain relationships and they may choose to ghost.

The common denominator to all ghosting cases is the incapacity of the “ghoster” to communicate. Some people simply do not have the emotional intelligence and/or communication skills to have a difficult conversation so they ghost instead. This is where a mediator can help.

2). How can mediation help solve a ghosting situation?

It is stating the obvious that “ghosting” is not the nicest way to end a relationship because it can cause significant emotional pain for the person who is being ghosted.

Going back to our above example involving Donna and Steve, what happened is that after a few weeks of no contact with Steve, Donna decided it was time to seek legal advice. She contacted an attorney who told her that in the past if Donna had requested it the Court would have ordered Steve to one counseling session, but that procedure had been terminated years ago. The attorney could file the paperwork to have the marriage terminated but that would not answer any of Donna’s many questions.

Donna contacted Mediation Path Silicon Valley and asked if mediation could help in her situation.

As a reminder, mediation is a voluntary and confidential process in which a neutral person, the mediator facilitates communication between the disputants to assist them in reaching a mutually acceptable agreement. The mediator has no decision-making power.

One of our mediators was able to contact Steve through a mutual friend. Steve was very clear that he wanted a divorce. The mediator talked to Steve and explained that ending a 15-year relationship as he had was insensitive and disrespectful to Donna. Steve agreed and as a result, accept to attend a mediation session with Donna.

At the mediation session, Donna said that she understood Steve wanted a divorce and was willing to follow through with an attorney to make that happen. She also stressed the fact that it was crucial for her to know the reason why Steve had “ghosted” her so she can get past this hurtful episode of her life.

Steve acknowledged that ghosting her was disrespectful.

Then, Steve confessed that he had been under a lot of stress and just didn’t know what to do. Steve went on to tell Donna that he had been living a double life spending part of the time with her and the rest of his time with Shirley. That had been going on for several years. The traveling that he told Donna he was doing for his work was a lie. He was really spending time with Shirley. Recently, Steve had decided he could no longer continue living this way and he and Shirley were moving to Minnesota to start a new life.

In mediation, it was agreed that Donna would keep the house and her car. Steve would keep his retirement plan with his employer. Donna would assume and pay the few small bills they had outstanding and Donna would retain the savings and checking accounts.

While the outcome in mediation was not what Donna would have envisioned for her life, she was glad to receive an explanation. By doing so Stave allowed Donna to get the closure she needed to move on in her life.

3) What to do when you realize that you have been ghosted?

Below are a few steps you might want to consider if you realize that you have been ghosted:

3-1). Do not put the blame on yourself. It always takes two people to sabotage a relationship and ghosting someone is never right. As mediators, we know from experience that everyone deserves an explanation. Will the explanation match what the person wanted to hear is another story;

3-2). Allow yourself time to process the situation and the feelings that go with it: You may feel hurt, angry, or confused and that’s normal. Give yourself space to understand and manage your emotions;

3-3). Do not drive yourself crazy by trying to understand the reasons that may have led to the other person ending the relationship in this way and whether there is anything you could have done differently. Bear in mind that you may never get an explanation as this is exactly what ghosting is about: leaving without obvious reasons.

3-4). Reach out for support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your experience. They can offer you comfort and help you work through your emotions;

3-5). Focus on self-care: Engage in activities that make you feel good, such as exercise, and hobbies;

3-6). Get closure if you need to: enlist the help of family members, friends, mediators, lawyers, etc., to reach out to the person who ghosted you and ask for an explanation. However, it’s important to recognize that you may not receive a response or the response you hoped for.

As you already figured out dealing with a ghosting situation is not an easy task. That said, it will not necessarily be an uphill battle either as in some cases like for Steve and Donna, you will get the explanation you deserve. Whatever happens, always remember that being ghosted is not a reflection of your worth as a person. It’s important to focus on moving forward and taking care of yourself without this person in your life.