The Importance of Using Proper Language in Mediation: The Hidden Side of Words

Welcome to our latest newsletter from Mediation Path Silicon Valley, LLC. In this edition, we will be discussing the importance of using proper language in mediation sessions and help you understand why. For your convenience, you will also find below a synopsis of words to use and of words not to use during a mediation.

1). The connection between language and behavior

The connection between words and behavior is a complex and multifaceted topic. While it is true that our words can reflect and influence our behavior, the relationship between the two is not always straightforward. That said, there are two basic postulates that one shall never forget when attending a mediation:

Words are a primary means of communication, allowing us to express our thoughts, desires, and intentions. The words we choose can reveal our inner thoughts and attitudes, giving others insights into our behavior.

For a mediation to be successful the participants need to focus on the issues at hand, not on the individuals involved. To do so you need to adapt both your conduct and your vocabulary.

Therefore, below are 3 behaviors and the vocabulary that goes with them that shall be avoided when attending a mediation:

1-1). Avoid making ad hominem comments. Typically, an ad hominem comment refers to a rhetorical strategy where the speaker attacks the character, motive, or some other attribute of the person making an argument rather than attacking the substance of the argument itself. This avoids genuine debate by creating a diversion to some irrelevant but often highly emotionally charged issue.

1-2). Avoid labeling. In psychology, labeling is defined as a cognitive distortion in which one characteristic of a person is generalized by taking and applying it to the whole person. For instance, Because X failed a test, X is a failure. Because Y is frequently late to work, Y is irresponsible, and so on.

1-3). Avoid blaming. Blaming AKA projection refers to attributing one's shortcomings, mistakes, and misfortunes to others to refuse to acknowledge any responsibility for the issue at stake.

It is stating the obvious that, the above behaviors and the language associated with them are not appropriate in mediation as most of the time it will escalate the conflict and make it even more challenging to resolve a conflict.

2/ Most common words to use and not to use in Mediation

While the specific words to avoid may vary depending on the context and individuals involved, here are some general examples of words that could hinder the mediation process and of some words that could help find a common resolution.

2-1). List of most common words not to use during a mediation

"You always/never": These absolute statements can come across as accusatory or confrontational, making it difficult to find common ground.

"I'm right/you're wrong": Such statements foster a confrontational environment and hinder the willingness to explore different perspectives.

Insults or derogatory language: Using disrespectful or offensive language undermines the atmosphere of mutual respect necessary for a productive mediation.

"But": This word can invalidate or negate what was said previously and make the other party feel unheard or dismissed.

"Should/shouldn't": These words imply judgment and can be perceived as an attempt to impose one's values or beliefs on others, creating defensiveness.

"It's your fault": Placing blame solely on one party prevents the exploration of underlying issues and potential solutions.

"That's impossible": Statements like these shut down creative problem-solving and limit the potential for finding mutually satisfactory solutions.

"I don't care": Expressing indifference can signal a lack of willingness to engage in the mediation process and resolve the conflict.

"Always/Never": Using these words in relation to the other party's behavior can be seen as an exaggeration, leading to defensiveness and undermining open dialogue.

"I give up": This phrase can indicate a lack of commitment to finding a resolution and may discourage the other party from continuing the mediation process.

2-2) List of most common words to use during a mediation

Using "I" statements can be helpful. For example, instead of saying, "You always do this," try saying, "I feel frustrated when this happens." This shifts the focus to your own feelings and experiences rather than attacking the other person.

"I understand": This phrase shows empathy and acknowledges the other party's perspective, fostering a sense of validation and open dialogue.

"Let's find a solution together": It emphasizes collaboration and encourages both parties to work together to reach a mutually agreeable resolution.

"Can you help me understand...": Asking for clarification or seeking to understand the other party's viewpoint promotes active listening and demonstrates a willingness to engage in meaningful conversation.

"What are your concerns?": Encouraging the other party to express their concerns helps create an atmosphere of openness and enables both parties to address the underlying issues.

"I appreciate your input": Expressing gratitude for the other party's contributions during the mediation process fosters a positive and respectful environment.

"Let's focus on interests rather than positions": Shifting the focus to underlying interests rather than rigid stances allows for the exploration of creative solutions that address the needs of both parties.

"How can we move forward?": This question encourages forward thinking and brainstorming potential solutions, emphasizing a proactive approach to resolving the conflict.

"Let's take a break if needed": Recognizing the importance of breaks during mediation sessions allows for reflection, de-escalation, and maintaining emotional well-being.

"Can we explore alternative options?": Encouraging the exploration of multiple possibilities and considering different approaches can help generate innovative solutions.

"What are our shared goals?": Identifying common objectives or aspirations helps align the parties' interests and facilitates finding common ground.

To conclude, never lose sight that language plays a crucial role in any mediation process, as it is the primary tool used to communicate and negotiate with the other parties. The words utilized by the participants can either help or hinder the process of reaching a successful resolution. As a result, by using a language that is respectful, non-judgmental, and empathetic you will increase the chances to settle your differences with others as it will allow you to be perceived as non-confrontational, non-accusatory, or biased.