How to Mitigate Family Conflicts During Your Thanksgiving Dinner

Fall is upon us. The leaves are changing colors, the weather is getting colder. Soon it will be Thanksgiving - a day set aside to give thanks for all of the many blessings in our lives.

Typically Thanksgiving Day is spent with family members sharing a traditional meal and enjoying each other company. Let's be realistic, differences of opinion over religious issues, political parties, climate change , the economy etc..exist within almost every family unit. Even though everyone at the table is related does not mean that everyone holds the same opinions.

But what happens if the family members don’t get along to the point that they cannot be seated at the same table even for Thanksgiving ? This is exactly the situation we encounter each time we start a mediation. The Thanksgiving metaphor although it is simple is helpful in understanding the one pattern that fuels most family feud : I am right you are wrong, because you do not acknowledge that I am right I won't talk to you anymore. If this sounds to you like " déjà vu" here are two tips, we as mediators use to help our family members overcome differences of opinion.

#1 - Listen carefully and ask open ended questions

Open ended questions usually start with queries such as “how” or “why”. The aim of the exercise is to get answers that go beyond "yes" or "no.

For example, you may not hold the same political opinions as your Uncle Harry, but you may ask questions about the position Uncle Harry holds and how he arrived at those opinions. This will allow you to apprehend the thought process that leads uncle Harry to believe that he is right and your are wrong. Although, you may not agree with his conclusions, by doing so you might come across something that you did not know or you did not think about before.

#2 - Loop and use I-statements

You will never convince another family member to change their position, and they will not convince you to change yours. Too many times family members engage in heated discussions with the goal of “winning” the other person over to their point of view. When that does not happen, tempers flare and anger rises. This is why mediators loop.

Looping is a technique used in mediation that can be describe as the process of neutrally paraphrasing the statements of the other party in order to show him/her that you understand their thought process. As a result, the other party has a sense of being heard instead of being judged and/or attacked.

I statements are a way to express your thoughts, feelings, and values without portraying them as universal truths or attacks on the other person. These "I" phrases include: I feel, I believe, I think, I have read, and I learned. In other words choose wisely the verbiage you use so the tone of the conversation will be more inviting than confrontational.

For instance, a Bad statement would be : "Science shows that race is a myth, and anyone who doesn't believe this is an ignorant". A good statement on the same subject would be: "I've read scientific studies suggesting that race is a social construction, not a biological fact."

By paying more attention to these 2 simple suggestions you might be able to keep your position and avoid creating or amplifying a conflict. Remember, as Friedrich Hayek put it : “One of people’s most treasured forms of private property is their ideas. So when you convince them that an idea they had was wrong, you have caused them to suffer a capital loss.”

Hope this helps. Please contact us if we can be of assistance in working with a family you know to help resolve or manage conflict. We have the passion and the experience to assist families in distress.