Peace on Earth and at the Holiday Dinner Table
Holidays bring families together to share the joy of the season. If you are uncomfortable with some of your relatives who are somehow difficult to deal with, here are some mediation negotiation techniques that can be applied to family interactions and bring peace to the holiday dinner table.
In Getting Past No, William Ury outlines strategies for negotiating with a difficult opponent, whether it’s a boss, coworker, etc. The good news is that you can use these tactics to deal with problematic relatives.
1. Don’t react: go to the balcony
When someone is difficult, a natural reaction is to get angry or give in. Instead, try distancing yourself mentally from the situation. Pretend you are sitting on a balcony above where you are watching the interaction take place. You may be able to see the situation with more clarity and be able to calmly plan your response.
2. Disarm them by stepping to their side
One of the most powerful steps to take – and one of the most difficult – is to try to understand the other person’s point of view. You don’t need to agree with them. You just need to ask questions in order to explore their view and how they arrived at their conclusions. The other person will then have a sense that they are being heard; and, more important, that you are interested enough to ask questions.
If you decide to use this particular negotiation technique, be aware that the final aim for you is to be able to repeat, in your own words, what you understood was just said. By doing so you will considered by your relatives not as an opponent who is trying to antagonize them, but as a person who truly desires to understand with no intention to be judgmental.
3. Change the game: don’t reject: reframe
Instead of arguing with a difficult person’s opinions, you might consider putting a new frame on their opinions and/or your reaction. Here is an example of how you can reframe:
Instead of saying: “Your political position makes no sense.”
You might say: “What I hear you saying is when you were growing up your parents and extended family were members of a particular political party and you have kept the tradition going by you also being a member of this party.”
4. Make it easy to say yes and hard to say no
Look for ways to help your difficult family member save face. Allow your relative’s ideas to be heard. You might try to educate the difficult person about the situation if they lack an understanding of the issue, the consequences and alternatives. While they may be open to possibly a new way of thinking about an issue, never go into a discussion with the idea that you are going to change someone else’s opinion. You cannot change their opinion – only they can change their opinion.
5. Set some ground rules – Set standards of behavior
If you think tempers could rise, you might agree to listen respectfully to each other and not raise your voices, and to only speak with respect. If the ground rules are broken and the difficult person displays anger, attempts to manipulate you with hurt feelings, or displays signs of mental illness, you need to have a plan as to how you will react.
“If we can’t have a discussion, it might be time for us to agree that we disagree and end our conversation.”
To conclude I would like to share with you this quote from French author Andre Gide in his book if it Die: "There are many things that seem impossible only so long as one does not attempt them." Give it a try and Happy Holidays.
Please contact us if we can be of assistance in working with a family you know to help resolve or manage conflict. We have the passion and the experience to assist families in distress.