Grey Divorces: Why Call It a Quit Now?

"Grey divorces” by reference to “grey-haired” persons AKA “silver splitters" refer to divorces involving spouses over the age of 50 part of a long-lasting marriage, and who are typically members of the baby boomer generation (born 1946-1964) or even of the silent generation (born 1925-1945).

An April 2021 report released by the U.S. Census Department found that 34.9% of all Americans who got divorced in the previous calendar year were aged 55 or older. This is more than twice the rate of any other age group surveyed. In the same vein, other surveys show that “grey divorces” have doubled in the past 20 years.

As most people seek stability and peace of mind as they move into the next stage of their lives, the question that comes to mind about grey divorces is: “ why now?”. In other words, why would a couple who have lived together for so many years want to divorce in their later years?

Below is a recap of the most common causes of grey divorces we encountered in our mediation practice to help you better understand the motivations behind them.

OUR MOST RECENT GREY DIVORCE STORY

We recently worked with a couple in mediation. The husband was 95 and the wife was 92. The husband was in relatively good health, the wife walked with the assistance of a walker. They had been married for decades. During the marriage, they had accumulated a considerable amount of rental real estate, stocks and bonds, and other investments. Neither one of them wanted to go to court and make their private finances open to public scrutiny.

They both decided on mediation, not to restore the marital relationship but to divide their substantial estate. In mediation, it was agreed that the wife would retain the family home. The husband would keep several rental properties – one of which he would turn into his primary residence. They also decided to divide the rest of their assets into two equal shares (50/50).

WHY GET A DIVORCE NOW?

In the above-mentioned example, the reason that was given to us by this couple was as follows: “We were waiting for all of the children to die.” As surprising as it might be, this is perfect example of the number one reason for grey divorces. i.e., longevity.

1). Longevity

Oftentimes, it is said that as people age they become more of who they really are. For example, a somewhat pessimistic husband might become a grumpy old man and a somewhat critical wife might become an overbearing shrew or vice versa. As people are living longer, the idea of continuing to live with a person they are unhappy with is the most frequent reason for grey divorces. This motivation is conveyed to us in sentences like these:

“I want to pursue other interests.”

“I want to live my authentic life and staying in this marriage is not allowing me to do that.”

“Life is short and when we got married, I never imagined the marriage would be for 60 years.”

“Staying in this shell of a marriage is killing me.”

In speaking with our clients, here are the other most common responses they gave us to explain their “grey divorce”:

2). Change in attitude towards divorce

Years ago getting a divorce carried a stigma that has lessened over the years. It is more socially acceptable today to be divorced than it was a few decades ago.

3). Disagreement on how to spend the money earned during the marriage

If one spouse becomes overly miserly as they age and the other spouse wants to spend money to enjoy their remaining years, this can lead to strong financial disagreements even though the couple has plenty of money and lead to a grey divorce.

4). Retirement

If both spouses worked they may have spent relatively little time together during their marriage. When they both retire they may find themselves spending considerable time together and realizing that they don’t share the same outlook on life. Differences of opinion may become more apparent when they are together more and make their life together utterly unpleasant for one or both of the spouses.

5). Empty nest

With the children out of the house, there may be an opportunity to act without the children seeing what is happening. In other words, couples may feel freer to express their true opinions and displeasure with the other spouse. Everyone has heard about these couples who have been unhappy for years but stay together for the benefit of the children. Once the children have left some of them do concur that it is time to end their unhappy marriage.

6). Health concerns

If one spouse is chronically ill, the other spouse may not want to assume the role of caregiver. That spouse may wish to engage in more physical activities like hiking or bike riding that the ill spouse can no longer participate in doing. It is well known that lots of caregivers' spouses suffer burnout. For some, the prospect of becoming the caretaker for the rest of their life is simply unimaginable.

7). Death of parents

Some spouses may have stayed in the marriage to not disappoint their judgmental parent(s). Now that the parent(s) is deceased, that concern may no longer exist and they want to free themselves from the burden of their marriage.

8). Covid 19 Pandemic

Months of isolation have given many people the opportunity to reflect on their lives and what goals and aspirations they have for the future, which may not include being married anymore.

9). Lack of intimacy and/or infidelity

These 2 factors, whether they are alternative or cumulative can greatly contribute to the decision to divorce for some persons.

If the spouses don’t share the same level of interest in being intimate, this may be a reason for discontent in marriage, and for these couples, divorce might be considered to be a better option than staying married and having one of the spouses looking for love interests outside of the marriage

Infidelity, especially if it had been repeated over the years may lead the “ cheated spouse” to finally end the relationship and file for divorce even after decades of marriage.

10). Addiction

Whatever the cause of the addiction, it is stating the obvious that it never goes without collateral damages for the family members and more specifically for the non-addicted partner as it endangers both the emotional and financial stability of the household. Therefore, it is not rare that after decades of living with an addicted person, the other spouse calls it a day as he/she finally comes to terms with the fact that the addicted person will never change.

To conclude, as stated above there are many reasons why grey divorces have consistently increased over the last 2 decades. Therefore, if you are contemplating the possibility of a grey divorce, feel free to call us, and see how we can help you deal with this matter.