Be Careful What You Wish For or How to Avoid the Hurdles of a Pyrrhic Victory

Some divorce cases are known to be “intense”, but this one was one of the most contentious divorce cases we had ever seen. John was divorcing Janet. They had two small children who had become the focus of John and Janet’s intense fight. The story below is a perfect example of what is known by mediators as a pyrrhic victory.

As a reminder, a “Pyrrhic victory” is commonly defined as a victory that comes at great cost, perhaps making the ordeal to win not worth it. It is exactly what happened to John.

What John wanted:

John had hired private investigators and photographers to document Janet’s failings as a mother. John had even gone so far as to ask for photographs being taken at night through the curtains into Janet’s bedroom. Janet admitted she was in a new relationship and they would spend the night together when the children were not at her home. John had insisted that depositions be taken, interrogatories propounded and motions filed with the court to run up attorney fees in a blatant attempt to break Janet financially.

Janet had suggested they try mediation, but John refused wanting a trial to humiliate Janet in court. When the case finally went to trial, it continued for many days. Witness after witness were called to testify. Some testified to Janet’s various relationships and her poor character. Other witnesses testified to Janet’s good character and unwavering love and devotion to their children. The trial drug on and on.

The verdict:

Finally, the trial came to an end. Each attorney gave their closing arguments. The Judge took a short break and re-convened the Court to announce his decision. He quickly disposed of dividing the community property between John and Janet which had never been contested. Then he awarded John full legal custody of both children.

The judge hit the gavel on his desk . . . everyone in the courtroom stood. . . the court as recessed, and the judge left the courtroom. The case was finally over. John had “won.”

John’s Pyrrhic victory

Everyone in the courtroom began packing up their personal belongings and heading to the courtroom door. Everyone, except John who sat motionless at the counsel table. He looked stunned – as if he needed time to process the verdict he has just heard.

The courtroom was empty now except for the courtroom bailiff, John’s attorney, and John – who continued to sit looking absolutely astounded as if the verdict had taken him by surprise.

John’s attorney congratulated John on the “win.” Custody had been what John had repeatedly told his attorney he must have and would accept nothing less. Now John had what he had said he had so desperately wanted.i.e., full custody of his children.

Finally, after many minutes, John came out of his stupor and looked around at the empty courtroom. John then looked his attorney directly in the eyes and said, “what am I supposed to do with two small kids?”

John had become so caught up in his desire to fight with his now ex-wife for custody that he had completely overlooked his situation. John was on active duty in the military and was scheduled to be deployed within the next few weeks. He lived in an apartment with two other guys. His parents were older and had health issues that prevented them from caring for the young children. Also, Janet had been the one to provide care the majority of the care for the children. John also readily admitted that he did not know how to cook or care for the children. What was John going to do with two small kids?

Mediation: the one alternative to a Pyrrhic victory?

This true story illustrates how easy it can be to get so focused on “winning” at all costs that no thought is given to what that outcome might mean for the party who wins at trial. In this particular case, John’s pyrrhic victory was nothing more than a shallow victory that backfired against him.

Now, let’s be pragmatic and review why when you are involved in a dispute, mediation can prevent the parties involved to become pyrrhic winners?

1). Mediators will help the parties identify and focus on their core values

To put it simply, mediators will help the parties understand if the position they are taking is in line with their core beliefs and what they want to achieve. It is important to know what is of most concern to you. For instance, if your core value is to be honorable and you engage in underhanded and illegal actions to win your case - how do you think you will feel about this victory later?

Most importantly mediators will encourage you to have a more holistic analysis of the situation by asking you this simple question: what is the most important to you: winning at all costs and hurting the other party or reaching an agreement that will allow you and the other party to move on with your life instead of being stuck in anger for years and spend thousands of dollars in a lawsuit?

2). Mediators will help the parties determine their value statement

A value statement is based on a person’s core values. Mediators will assist the parties in creating their value statement on how they want the dispute to be resolved. The most common value statements we see in divorce cases are 1) “I want my ex-husband/ ex-wife and I to bend our marriage with respect to make way for a better future for each of us.” – 2) “Our children deserve to feel loved and cared for by both of us now and in the future.”

Once the parties have defined their value statement, the mediators will help them find solutions to their conflicts that are in phase with them. To do so, mediators will help each party weigh their position in the case against their value statement. For instance, if the parties are arguing over the end table that they paid $5 at a flea market, the mediators will ask them to take a step back and determine if having this end table is going to make their future brighter or could they see themselves in the future buying an end table that they like rather than having the old one in your house as a reminder of the conflict you had with your ex-spouse?

3). Mediators will make sure that the parties keep in mind the consequences of the decisions they make now in the future

When a case goes to trial, the parties are essentially asking the Judge to decide because they could not agree. You may go through a difficult trial and you may “win.” That said, the parties should always be sure that what they are fighting for is worth fighting for. For instance, even if you win at trial, got what you wanted, and are ready and able to manage all the consequences of the decision made by the judge (versus a pyrrhic victory as described above), you will still have attorneys to pay. The attorney’s fees may have been used to pay for your child’s college tuition fees in the future.

4). Mediators will help the parties consider the ramification of their loss at trial

Why should each party consider the position of the party who is going to lose in court? The answer is quite simple: the loser can be you. Therefore, you should always consider what will this means for you and for the other parties involved if you/they lose. For example, if you win full custody with the ability to move thousands of miles away with the children, how will that may your ex-spouse feel? And, while you may hate your ex and could not care less about his/her feelings - how will the separation and loss play out in your child’s life?

Take away:

After winning his trial, John contacted us to mediate the conditions of the children’s custody with his wife.

John’s misadventure is the perfect demonstration that when you are involved in a hotly contested case, it is easy to lose perspective and that it can never hurt to get the opinion of a mediator before you decide to go to trial.

At MPSV, we believe that the parties have the ability to design their own resolution to their conflict. Unlike a trial where a judge can only determine who wins and who loses, mediation is designed to assist the parties to reach compromises by creating alternative dispute resolutions that judges would not have the authority to order as there are bound by the provisions of the law which limit their margin of maneuver. Let our trained mediators at Mediation Path Silicon Valley, LLC assist you in working to develop an outcome for your dispute that will not be an empty victory for you or the other party.