Power: Understanding or Coercion?

Gary Friedman, who started his career as a mediator in 1976 and who is also the founder of the renowned Center for Understanding in Conflict wrote this excellent article. We took the liberty to include a few add-ons at the end of his write-up to explain how we at Mediation Path Silicon Valley never let coercion overpower understanding.

Whether we are a mediator, a lawyer, or parties, power is woven into the dynamics of conflict, and coercion is the most common form of power.

When it is coercion that steers the parties towards “resolution”, there is often blowback or bad feelings after an agreement has been reached. A person may not feel as though he/she actually participated in the process, instead of having gone along with others and were convinced, threatened, or cajoled.

Coercion hardly brings an end to one of the biggest problems in mediation i.e. fueling the conflict by polarizing and alienating people.

However, there is an alternative that normally does not come to mind when we think of power: understanding. The power of understanding is more gentle and lasting. It is a power that—if used appropriately—can bring real resolution to conflicts between people mostly for the following reasons:

Understanding is a connector that brings people together, and through the connection, creates a different way that people can be in a relationship with each other;

Understanding gives the parties the chance to bridge their differences through mutual comprehension;

The “understanding approach” works best when people are willing to explore what possibilities of understanding are available in the conflict. Not to give up or give in, nor convince the other person to come around to their way of thinking, but to be more thoughtful about the conflict;

In a tense environment, people tend to be reactive to the other persons and understanding allows them to step back and consider the conflict in three dimensions: understanding of the other person, understanding of oneself, and understanding of external realities. Using the power of understanding, parties can move from reaction to choice with these three dimensions serving as guides through the conflict.

To conclude, although one must acknowledge that the “understanding approach” is not suitable for every dispute, when people are willing to try and understand what is important to them and each other, the resolution is possible in a way that cannot be achieved through coercive power.

This is for these exact reasons, that we at Mediation path Silicon Valley, always help the parties to reflect on the following questions before we start our mediation sessions and encourage them to:

1. List their interests or needs in this dispute, including financial and emotional (Do you want a certain amount of money, or do you want an apology?).

2. List what they believe to be the interests or needs of the other people involved. (If you paid them a certain amount of money, or if you gave them an apology would it help?).

3. List areas where they agree or are close to an agreement.

4. List all possible ideas they have that might satisfy all sides (also consider ideas that do not involve money, be creative).

5. Why it is important for them to resolve this dispute? What will they gain? What will they lose financially and /or emotionally?

6. Why it is important for the other people involved to resolve this dispute? What will they gain? What will they lose financially and /or emotionally?

7. List the consequences of not resolving the dispute at mediation (legal costs, loss of time from work and family, emotional stress, etc.).

At Mediation Path Silicon Valley, we are trained mediators available to discuss your mediation options with you. Contact us if we can be of service to you and your family.